Make Your Essay Stronger
As you finish the first draft of your UC admission essay, it's a good idea to have a second set of eyes look at it. Our editors will make large-scale revisions, which will include improving sentence fluency, logic, and restructuring the essay to better express the applicant’s unique qualities. We will also help strengthen its narrative. Furthermore, an overall critique (language and ideas) and detailed commentary on your statement of purpose or personal statement will be provided. This is a unique service, unavailable through other statement of purpose editing service. You also have the option of selecting the “Track Changes” function to understand where editors made changes.
As you finish the first draft of your UC admission essay, it's a good idea to have a second set of eyes look at it. Our editors will make large-scale revisions, which will include improving sentence fluency, logic, and restructuring the essay to better express the applicant’s unique qualities. We will also help strengthen its narrative. Furthermore, an overall critique (language and ideas) and detailed commentary on your statement of purpose or personal statement will be provided. This is a unique service, unavailable through other statement of purpose editing service. You also have the option of selecting the “Track Changes” function to understand where editors made changes.
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ESSAY 1
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ESSAY 2
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ESSAY 3
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ESSAY 4
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CRITIQUE
Essay 1 Comments
A very interesting and lively essay, but at 538 words, it is too long. One weakness of this essay is repetition and wordiness: that is, using too many words to say something that could be said in fewer words with little or no loss in meaning.
For example, the first several sentences present a lot of information that is either tangential (not very relevant to your main story) or repetitive, so you waste quite a lot of your 350 words there.
I have therefore tightened the language and consolidated many sentences. I also corrected grammatical errors, including many tense errors (using the present tense in place of the past tense, and vice versa).
It is incorrect to say “I was grown in China.” You can say either I was raised in China, or I grew up in China.
“my family, although, is not a normal family”: There is nothing abnormalor non-normal about your family other than that there were some mathematicians in it, so this sentence isn’t making sense.
“My grandparents are the earliest generations of Mathematics teachers inPeople's Republic of China.”
If you really think about it,this of course can’t actually be true, because China has had math teachers for many centuries.Your grandparents can’t be that old.
“I believe I can success in upper—division class. I have taken introduce to linear algebra which is for success in linear—algebra, the upper level. Also, the discrete mathematic is for success in upper—division analysis class.”
There is no need to explain “Introduction to Linear Algebra” is a foundation for upper-level algebra, etc.
Essay 1 Comments
A very interesting and lively essay, but at 538 words, it is too long. One weakness of this essay is repetition and wordiness: that is, using too many words to say something that could be said in fewer words with little or no loss in meaning.
For example, the first several sentences present a lot of information that is either tangential (not very relevant to your main story) or repetitive, so you waste quite a lot of your 350 words there.
I have therefore tightened the language and consolidated many sentences. I also corrected grammatical errors, including many tense errors (using the present tense in place of the past tense, and vice versa).
It is incorrect to say “I was grown in China.” You can say either I was raised in China, or I grew up in China.
“my family, although, is not a normal family”: There is nothing abnormalor non-normal about your family other than that there were some mathematicians in it, so this sentence isn’t making sense.
“My grandparents are the earliest generations of Mathematics teachers inPeople's Republic of China.”
If you really think about it,this of course can’t actually be true, because China has had math teachers for many centuries.Your grandparents can’t be that old.
“I believe I can success in upper—division class. I have taken introduce to linear algebra which is for success in linear—algebra, the upper level. Also, the discrete mathematic is for success in upper—division analysis class.”
There is no need to explain “Introduction to Linear Algebra” is a foundation for upper-level algebra, etc.
Essay 2 Comments
This is another really interesting (and very funny but also powerful) essay, just as Essay 1. You are a very good writer. You just need to master English.
The first and most obvious flaw in this essay, however, is that the entire 542-word essay is one single long paragraph. You should use shorter paragraphs. They are much more inviting and easier for the Admissions Committee to read. Shorter paragraphs also make it easier for the reader to go back and find particular sentences that they may be looking for.
Don’t confuse the words “adapt” and “adopt.” Two different words.
Similarly, when you write “ridiculers” you mean “ridiculous.” Ridiculers means people who ridicule (for example, ridicule other people’s ideas).
“Then, I drew a graph”: A graph is not the same as a diagram. What you mean is diagram. Look up both words.
“The reason why it was adopted is that cosplay festival can display the multiple features of the teenagers” This is not well expressed. “Features” is not the right word.
“I love freedom. I do what I want”: Although you have expressed the idea of imprisonment well, this can now begin to sound extreme to the Admissions Committee. It can sound as if you are so individualistic that you don’t listen to anyone and are even a rebel who hates authority.
This is another really interesting (and very funny but also powerful) essay, just as Essay 1. You are a very good writer. You just need to master English.
The first and most obvious flaw in this essay, however, is that the entire 542-word essay is one single long paragraph. You should use shorter paragraphs. They are much more inviting and easier for the Admissions Committee to read. Shorter paragraphs also make it easier for the reader to go back and find particular sentences that they may be looking for.
Don’t confuse the words “adapt” and “adopt.” Two different words.
Similarly, when you write “ridiculers” you mean “ridiculous.” Ridiculers means people who ridicule (for example, ridicule other people’s ideas).
“Then, I drew a graph”: A graph is not the same as a diagram. What you mean is diagram. Look up both words.
“The reason why it was adopted is that cosplay festival can display the multiple features of the teenagers” This is not well expressed. “Features” is not the right word.
“I love freedom. I do what I want”: Although you have expressed the idea of imprisonment well, this can now begin to sound extreme to the Admissions Committee. It can sound as if you are so individualistic that you don’t listen to anyone and are even a rebel who hates authority.
Essay 3 Comments
Another interesting and insightful story. The only worrisome part is the end, where you write:
“I don’t care the other things in my way. The only thing I can see is the goal. I reached the goal step by step and never stop, because whenever I stop the guilt and shame would castigate on me.”
This needs to be worded better because parts of it sound too harsh and too cutthroat. “five were ninth-graders. In other words, this league is our last league in the junior high school.… After a week of intensive training, we went to another strange city to start our last league.” You don’t need to add these details.
Another interesting and insightful story. The only worrisome part is the end, where you write:
“I don’t care the other things in my way. The only thing I can see is the goal. I reached the goal step by step and never stop, because whenever I stop the guilt and shame would castigate on me.”
This needs to be worded better because parts of it sound too harsh and too cutthroat. “five were ninth-graders. In other words, this league is our last league in the junior high school.… After a week of intensive training, we went to another strange city to start our last league.” You don’t need to add these details.
Essay 4 Comments
This is the weakest of the essays because it is only 155 words, less than half the length you are given. It is not clear if you did not finish the essay, or whether it got accidentally cut off.
The Admissions reader may think that you ran out of ideas (which could mean you may not be very creative), or you got bored and simply stopped writing (which could mean that you may not be very persistent), or you just didn’t care about writing a longer essay (which could mean that you may not be very committed). Either way, it would not look good to send a very short essay.
Secondly, there aresomelogical flaws in the essay. Example:
“To be honest, I am not a person who can get high score in the IQ test, although my speed of learning maybe faster than people whose IQ scores are higher than mine.” This does not seem to make sense to me. An IQ test is usually more of a speed test. It does test for logic rather than creativity, but it does not favor people who think in a slow, deep way. Many people do not finish all the questions. So when you say I am not someone who can normally score high on IQ tests, it implies: “I am more of a slow deep creative thinker, not a quick, fast logical speed thinker.” But then you add: “although my speed of learning maybe faster than people whose IQ scores are higher than mine” which is the opposite of what the reader would expect you to say.
“For me, learning is like building a building.” This is fine because itgoes with slow, step-by-step thinking.
But suddenly, you jump to comparing the relationship between electric potential and electric potential energy to the relationship between electric potential and electric potential energy. The jump, and the connection, is puzzling. So when you say, “For example, in the lower division engineering physics class” the example is not actually an example of what you were talking about in the preceding (prior) paragraph. It is not an example of how a building is constructed.
Additionally, you don’t explain the example well. You just say, “The first way I understand it is I compare the electric potential energy to gravity potential energy.” Okay, but what about gravitational potential? You left that out. You are talking only about potential energy. Moreover, you don’t explain it for the reader to feel, “Oh yes, you are right, gravitational potential and potential energy are so easy to understand.”
“Comparing the strange unfamiliar thing to something that we are very familiar with is, for me, the most efficient way to understand the strange concept or to explain it to somebody else.” Okay, that is true. That is good. But what does that have to do with your creativity? “In my view, it is pretty simple.” This is not relevant. Worse, it can sound boastful. (You find it hard; I find it so easy, ha ha.)
You may not need to add the second way. The first way is enough.
Sincerely,
TopAdmit editor team
This is the weakest of the essays because it is only 155 words, less than half the length you are given. It is not clear if you did not finish the essay, or whether it got accidentally cut off.
The Admissions reader may think that you ran out of ideas (which could mean you may not be very creative), or you got bored and simply stopped writing (which could mean that you may not be very persistent), or you just didn’t care about writing a longer essay (which could mean that you may not be very committed). Either way, it would not look good to send a very short essay.
Secondly, there aresomelogical flaws in the essay. Example:
“To be honest, I am not a person who can get high score in the IQ test, although my speed of learning maybe faster than people whose IQ scores are higher than mine.” This does not seem to make sense to me. An IQ test is usually more of a speed test. It does test for logic rather than creativity, but it does not favor people who think in a slow, deep way. Many people do not finish all the questions. So when you say I am not someone who can normally score high on IQ tests, it implies: “I am more of a slow deep creative thinker, not a quick, fast logical speed thinker.” But then you add: “although my speed of learning maybe faster than people whose IQ scores are higher than mine” which is the opposite of what the reader would expect you to say.
“For me, learning is like building a building.” This is fine because itgoes with slow, step-by-step thinking.
But suddenly, you jump to comparing the relationship between electric potential and electric potential energy to the relationship between electric potential and electric potential energy. The jump, and the connection, is puzzling. So when you say, “For example, in the lower division engineering physics class” the example is not actually an example of what you were talking about in the preceding (prior) paragraph. It is not an example of how a building is constructed.
Additionally, you don’t explain the example well. You just say, “The first way I understand it is I compare the electric potential energy to gravity potential energy.” Okay, but what about gravitational potential? You left that out. You are talking only about potential energy. Moreover, you don’t explain it for the reader to feel, “Oh yes, you are right, gravitational potential and potential energy are so easy to understand.”
“Comparing the strange unfamiliar thing to something that we are very familiar with is, for me, the most efficient way to understand the strange concept or to explain it to somebody else.” Okay, that is true. That is good. But what does that have to do with your creativity? “In my view, it is pretty simple.” This is not relevant. Worse, it can sound boastful. (You find it hard; I find it so easy, ha ha.)
You may not need to add the second way. The first way is enough.
Sincerely,
TopAdmit editor team